For Christina

 For Christina:

                                                             You are the light that shines in the darkest night;

                                                             When all else fails you do not.

        You were my                                

greatest supporter,

         you were my
greatest friend.

       You were my
greatest lover.
       Our life in Hawaii
was not perfect,
       but I remember it

with a great fondness,      
with a great tenderness.
       You deserved a
depth that I did not deliver:
       a depth of unders-
tanding,

      a depth of knowing

      that I did not provide

      because I am a                       
coward to that place inside
     which is vulnerable,
     which is like you:

     open to being hurt

     but open to being loved.

     You are one of the

strongest women I have                                                       
ever known;
     you are one of the most                
unaffectatious women I can
ever imagine;
     you are one of the wisest
people I will ever meet,
     and I have hurt you many

times.

      I hurt you because it                 

was easier to hurt you

      than to find that place

inside that is ready to be

      destroyed and made

new.                                                     

       I wanted so much

out of life,

       so much out of love,

       so much out of living,

       but how much was I                                     

wanting to give?

       My soul was like a

hard rock

       and you were like a

soft leaf

       and I am shattering

on your fallen-ness                                                               

      and you are still

giving to the earth.

      You are a seedling

growing in wild places                       

      trampled and                                        

      eaten and

      drowned.

      I am a torrent of

anger

     and a Kali of wrath                          

     and you have lain

     yourself at my feet,

     the perfect Shiva of

self-sacrifice.

    Your pain has

become mine

    and I am tossing in

the wind,

    but can not will
myself released,

    no cannot will

myself released.

    You were my

greatest desire

    but you were far

greater than what I                           

desired.

    You were my

greatest hope

    but you were far

greater than any hope     

I could imagine.

I am shipwrecked

     on the shores of you                     

I am awash

     on the beach of your love. 

03-15/16-10